Dogs We've Met, and Their D&D Class and Alignments

There's an important moment for all humans when they meet a dog, and that is assessing the dog's D&D class and alignment. This comes after petting, usually, which is always the first order. Below are some rankings for dogs we have met in our travels.


Class: Barbarian. Titus is a big strong boy, whose weapon of choice would clearly be dual battle axes. He'd probably fight naked, tbh.
Alignment: Neutral / Good. Titus is a good boy, but not necessarily abreast of all the laws of the land, as is made apparent by his penchant for jumping on people and also his drinking habits. 


Class: Sorcerer. Luna barks at big rigs, hawks and tin foil, and attacks the oven when you run the dishwasher, so she's clearly abreast of some magical shit we humans cannot detect. 
Alignment: Neutral / Good. Luna is a very good girl who just wants to make you happy, and also wants to protect you from dangers such as planes that are flying thousands of feet overhead. However, she is also willing to disregard you if her arcane knowledge tells her you're wrong.


Class: NPC inn-keeper with good advice. Genki would never fight in any battles, but I bet he'd give you a good rate for a night to rest up and re-memorize all your spells. Mostly though, he just repeats the same script about tummy rubs and treats. 
Alignment: Lawful / Good. Who's a good boy, he's a very good boy. 


Unnamed Big Dog Who Peed on Our Car
Class: Paladin. Would definitely protect kingdom from evil overlords, starting by dutifully marking his territory. Never looking for a fight, but could probably hold his own in one. Weapon of choice would clearly be a hammer.
Alignment: Lawful / Good. There are no rules against peeing on your car in his land, so. If anything, you're breaking the rules by not peeing on your car. How are you even supposed to know who's car it is if you don't pee on it?


Colombian Airport Security Dog
Class: Bard. This lovey dog just wanted a cuddle and could clearly care less about security. Was definitely in the wrong line of work, and would much prefer telling stories by the campfire and then spooning.
Alignment: Neutral / Good. Rules are subjective, man. He definitely didn't care if you had drugs so long as you pet him behind the ears. 


(Not Pictured) Dog who Lived in Cotopaxi National Park Campsite
Class: Rogue. This scrappy little dog was too wily to have his picture taken, and had clearly partaken in some trickery in order to survive off the tourists. 
Alignment: True Neutral. Would definitely eat your corpse if you died in the park, but would also definitely sit still for tummy rubs. 


Class: Warlock. Has definitely communed with demons and / or previously guarded the gates of Hell. Does not like being pet because warlocks don't suffer that kind of sentimentality. Has almost certainly made Infernal Pact, which is probably what happened to all his fur.
Alignment: Lawful / Evil. Follows rules, but not because of the goodness in his heart. He has no goodness in his heart. He is the devil's dog. Look into that dog's face and tell me you're not staring into the black and bottomless abyss of being. 


Fetch-Obsessed Dog In Love with Plastic Bottle
Class: Ranger. Lives by her own code, and that code is fetch. Will find all ways-- creative and sly-- to get you to play fetch with her gross, chewed on plastic bottle. Is never tired of playing fetch.
Alignment: Lawful / Neutral. There is only one law, and that law is fetch. Would not care if you died, except that then you would not be able to play fetch anymore. Also, really doesn't get that joke in Mean Girls. Makes fetch happen every damn day.